OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
