You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
