Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you have to choose: penises or morals?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Randomize
