Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
