ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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