it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
