I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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