You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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