I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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