"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
