Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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