he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
