Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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