im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Don't you send me to vm
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
