i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
