i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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