I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
