Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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