My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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