just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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