Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
