I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
