You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
