Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
