No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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