Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
well most of my day revolves around power hour
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
