nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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