Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
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