i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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