I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
