He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
