we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
