I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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