He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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