You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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