what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
