I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
