If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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