my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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