If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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