Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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