I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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