My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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