I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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