I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
