I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
