apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
