I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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