i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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