I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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